All at Sea - with a bucket and spade!

The last few days have been odd. In some ways a bit crappy, in other ways quite good.

When I was younger, I didn’t used to sleep very well (mostly mental health related). It wasn’t really a big problem. It was just part of how things were. I regularly slept for three, four, at most five hours a night. I could even go for a couple of nights without any sleep at all and there wasn’t really any impact. I think I used to run on nervous energy a lot of the time.

That was all a very long time ago. For the last few years, I’ve been a pretty good sleeper. Seven, eight hours a night most of the time. I’ve gradually evolved into a ‘head hits the pillow and I’m out’ type person. It’s nice. I like it.

The thing is, I’ve had a lot to do the last week so I’ve had a few “late night-early morning” type things going on. And it’s really had an impact. I’m knackered! My body is struggling a little but not too much. It’s my emotions. I’m more sensitive, more stressy, more easily annoyed and I think probably slightly more needy of friendship and reassurance. Whether it’s just because I’m more ‘normal’ nowadays (whatever that’s supposed to mean) or whether it’s the effect of aging on the body’s ability to compensate for these things, I really don’t know. But what I do know is, I’m going to get some good sleep tonight and be pretty strict with myself no matter how much work [I think/decide] I have to get done.

Despite the stresses and strains of being overtired (and a couple of fairly minor situations that have felt bigger as a result), I’ve been very aware of how lucky I am. I use the word lucky because I can’t be bothered to think of another one, not because I think that luck is entirely responsible for the way my life’s turned out. I don’t. I think I’ve played a big part in it all. I think God’s played a big part. And I think my friends and some of my family have played a big part. And there’s probably an element of chance in their too.

Little things that have happened this week have made me realise I’m loved. And probably because I’ve needed to know it, it’s kind of hit me at a deeper level. Little things people have said, done, texted, emailed, facebooked etc have been heartwarming. And I’ve appreciated it perhaps a bit more than I ordinarily would.

Anyway, I’m grateful. Very. So if you’re one of the people who’s been nice to me this week, thanks xxx

The picture above is a little wooden ‘ornament’ I picked up from a charity shop about ten years ago (blimey that makes me sound old). It cost next to nothing but it’s really special to me. I remember when it caught my eye. It really spoke to me (not in a psychotic way you understand)! I interpreted it in two ways. The first is that I am the bigger sheep and also the smaller [black] sheep. Sometimes I feel more connected to, and aware of, one and sometimes the other. But God always sees both and accepts me anyway. The second is that I am the black sheep and the bigger sheep is God. Anyway, it’s very special to me. I hope I never lose it. I might cry.

If anybody’s sytill reading, sorry this is so long and a bit deep. Like I said, I’m really really tired. The good news is Dr Who’s on in five. I enjoy the company of both Emma and Dr Who. And David Tennant always lifts my mood (in a phwoar type way)!

Some time ago I blogged this postcard. It was a real lifesaver for me at one time. I blogged a photo of it at an angle. Apparently it isn’t available anymore and no-one else has uploaded it. It often comes up as searched in my blog stats. So here’s a better (face on) version if anyone wants to print out their own copy

Today is my last shift of the first of an eight week placement. It’s wierd because it’s gone pretty quick even though I haven’t enjoyed it.

It’s without question providing loads of learning opportunities. Some to do with people/relationships, some to do with nursing/health and some to do with me.

The first two shifts were fantastic. I tend to go in all guns blazing and keen to get involved. I’m not usually too nervous once I get there, even though I might stress for a couple of days beforehand

The third day was hideous. I hated it. And last night wasn’t that great. Today is day five and I’m on a late shift. Obviously, this is a public website, accessible to anyone who cares to type the relevant search terms into google or some other search engine. I only use google. Must check out some of the others one of these days. Anyway, because this is a public website I wouldn’t go into great detail about the reasons why Wednesday was so horrible. But suffice to say, some of it’s me and some of it isn’t.

I think I just do run out of steam by the third day of any new job and I guess placements are going to be similar. Partly I start to get tired physically (and on a dementia ward it’s tiring emotionally aswell) and partly I start to need a bit of reassurance and feedback. The trouble is if you’re fairly self-reliant on day one and day two, nobody realises you’re going to start needing feedback on the third. So my confidence dips. I’m also wondering whether coming in so dynamically and fairly confidently might not be the best approach for some various team members. All very interesting. I think the NMC would be happy with my reflective approach to survival in placement! If there’s one thing I’ve learned really quickly, it’s don’t be too eager. Just watch and observe. Offer to help if it’s something you can do but don’t take it personally if you’re told not to worry. And have a go if you are asked to do something.

It’s also interesting watching the dynamics on the ward. It’s not fun being the student thrown into the mix. But horrible as that is, it’s also a learning opportunity. I’m sort of watching and sussing out what’s going on. Some team members are liked and listened to much more than others. I’m watching what they’re doing and saying and how they go about things. And some people really are not popular. They’re working day is sooo much less fun. I’m kind of watching what’s going on there aswell.

As for the nursing stuff, I think there’s two main areas I’m getting to grips with. One is the nature of the relationship between the nurse and the patient and the other is ethics. I don’t think I’m up to wording the kind of things I’m thinking about. It’s sort of all to do with the fact that the person sitting in the chair not knowing what day of the week it is had a good job, raised a family, kept a home and stuff. And it’s all gone. And the basic right of informed consent and being informed generally and assessing the level and working it all out. I’ve decided not to blog any examples, not even vague ones. So nothing I say will make any sense whatsoever. I think it would be insensitive to families of people with dementia for me as a first year student to ramble on about what I think could be done better and so on. I just don’t really have enough experience to give any kind of balanced view. So I’ll get myself a note-book! It’s all going round in my head.

Well, it’s that time. Time for a bowl of cereal and a coffee then I’ll get ready. A coffee and on my bike!

Trying to cheer myself up after my third day on placement. Two days were great - well, mostly. Today wasn’t so hot but there you go. I’m sure I’ll have worse days.

I’m on an older age psychiatry ward specialising in dementia. The patients are all okay enough. Not saying it’s easy because it isn’t. Most people desperately want to leave and go home - some want to go home to people that aren’t even alive anymore. You’re constantly asked to open the doors. Most don’t remember that they aren’t allowed to leave so you have to constantly remind people they’re in hospital and can’t go home today. Then they become distressed or (although I haven’t been directly affected) agitated and aggressive. A couple of the patients don’t want to be left alone so stick by you like glue - one on each arm. One lady kept asking me if somebody was going to kill her. It’s hard because although you really care and want to make the person feel better, it gets draining having to keep saying the same thing over and over for three or four or maybe even six hours. It starts to feel robotic for you which feels horrible because for the other person, the conversation is new every time. And they’re frightened or upset. In the middle of all that everybody has to have blood pressure, pulse, respirations and SATS done every day. Some are diabetic so blood sugar needs to be checked aswell. And that’s without having to make sure nobody falls over and everyone’s toileting needs are dealt with and everyone eats and drinks enough.

And today, the staff were stressed. And when the staff are stressed, it’s not fun for the students! Probably the less said…

Anyway, I found this funny video on a facebook group this evening and it made me smile

And Dr Poppelwell was fine. I wouldn’t say it was enjoyable although she is very nice. Not a bad reminder of what people have to go through to prove their sanity. I’ve got to go back at the beginning of every term. So til January then……..

The lengths people go to to get a smile from a small baby! This is Libby (Elizabeth Joy), Abbie’s number two child. Being held by my sister Jeanette and being emotionally disturbed by me

Below you can see Lauren, the proud big sister, wondering what a stranger is doing with the newest member of her family. I’m hidden from view playing with dolls. Lauren had been playing but she got fed up so I carried on on my own! And Abbie and Nick obviously

These were actually taken about three weeks ago but life feels so hectic at the moment, it seems to take me ages to get round to anything. This morning I’m going to see Dr. PoppleWaffle, or something like that, to be assessed for appropriateness (sp?) for mental health nursing. I think it may have something to do with an extensive history of mental ill health (dissocation/DID/depression/anxiety - depends who you ask) not too long ago. Must remember not to twitch or keep looking at the hairs on the palms of my hands. And I’m not wearing my stripy legwarmers today just in case it doesn’t go in my favour. Only joking. I imagine it will all be fine and probably quite boring.

Then tonight I’m going to see Stardust. I’m really looking forward to it. Good old Orange Wednesday! And good old Joanne for taking me and going halves on the two-for-one thing!

Going to briefly update Leah’s page now!

This is Julius (pronounced Yulus) from Lithuania. The one and only place to get free coffee (or tea, fruit tea, hot choc, that kind of thing) is the spirituality and faith centre. I met Yulus (not for the first time) in there today. He made himself three cups of tea. Two with milk for instant drinkability and one without, this being the last cup thus having time to cool down a bit. He also had 4 chocolate chip muffins and I later saw him on campus eating a banana.

I also met Stuart, the Rev of the Methodist variety. And Edward, the Chinese chaplain, the Catholic Sister, whose name I can’t remember. And Adam. And Steve, an Engineering Lecturer. Stuart Facebooked me and is now a friend. Obviously, Jen, the top boss chaplain was there aswell

Today was communion, all very Anglican which I’m not used to but I enjoyed it. And it was good to sit and have coffee and a natter afterwards. It’s the only place in the Uni where it isn’t standing room only. It’s fab.

This afternoon and evening I have:

1) Had an appointment with Rosie, the mental health nurse at Cov Uni and found out I know her brother very well. Small world!

2) Bought a dress for £1.50 from the PDSA shop. I like it. Em said it was good on.

3) Had a telephone consultation with my GP. They’re so busy lately, they’ve taken to giving you a ring. Always nice to catch up.

4) Printed and laminated a timetable and bought 3 whiteboard pens so I can organise my time. I went to bed at 1.30am last night - a habit I can’t afford to get into. It really doesn’t do me much good to get overtired or to be awake when the rest of the world’s asleep and vice versa! I haven’t actually timetabled anything on it yet. But I will

5) Downloaded and printed the lectures and additional reading material for the rest of this week’s lectures.

Been busy. Went to see the latest Potter film (no. 5) - excellent. Reading the final book (no. 7). Hats off to J.K., this last book really is fantastically written. Definately value for money - even for those poor unfortunates who happened to pay full price (I happened to be in ASDA at the right time and picked up a copy for a fiver). Thankfully, nobody’s let slip the ending and who dies and who doesn’t and all that. Very much enjoying the read and, for once, I don’t want to rush it.

At work, I’ve been busy with this mostly:

Interesting project. Coventry people who’ve had some mental health stuff going on get to say what kind of help/care/support would make the whole experience better for people (themselves) who have stuff going on in the future. Through poetry/art/song/dance - whatever really. More info here.

Anyway, yesterday me and Kay wandered round a few places giving out postcards and posters and stuff, explaining what it’s all about. Thankfully, it was lovely and sunny so it got us out of the office and we got a bit of excercise into the bargain. Much needed on my account to be honest. And last night I met this lady, BBC Coventry and Warwickshire’s Poet Laureate, who’s going to be running workshops.

Life’s just plodding along. All good (good enough anyway!).

This afternoon I attended personality disorder training. It was an interesting experience because I know life with a personality disorder and now, thankfully, without. I also know life as a worker who tries day by day to support and accommodate people who could be, and often have been, diagnosed with a personality disorder.

Words are inadequate to accurately describe the internal world on one side of the fence – the side of ‘service user’. Somewhere inside is a ‘treasure chest’ of memories that are far too precious to begin to share especially when the risk of being misunderstood is so high. When I stop to open the lid and have a little look around, I know I could write a book which would sell at least enough copies to make the exercise worthwhile. I don’t open the lid that often anymore.

A room full of colleagues who didn’t know the old ‘me’, the ‘me’ that was bewildered and distressed the majority of the time, the ‘me’ on the other side of the fence. In terms of mental health services, a room full of people who know me as the worker, the giver, the supporter, the one with the resources, the one who’s okay. Reassuringly confident of my ability to open the lid on my history and be reminded of some of the ‘dark years’ whilst staying in the present and in role.

Yay me