All at Sea - with a bucket and spade!

This was the sight from my back door the other day. I thought it was beautiful. Stunning in fact. Ten minutes later it was raining so hard that the water was boucing back up a few centimetres. It was the day that a month’s rain fell. Whatever day that was. The photo doesn’t quite capture the contrast between the sky and the green of the trees. It made me feel lucky.

This morning I went to church. The worship was one of those times where it starts off with me basically apologising and ends up with God saying something lovely. I am struggling with being a Christian at the moment. No huge spiritual crisis. I’m just knackered. All the time. I can’t be bothered with anything. I feel happy and secure in God. I just feel uneasy that I don’t ever want to pray or read the bible or go to church. During what feels like tiny amounts of time off, I want to sleep. And watch telly. And play mindless puzzle games on the laptop. Which is basically what I’m doing. I don’t think there’s anything majorly wrong. But I do feel like I’m drifting. Anyway, today I dragged myself to church. I took some homework in case the sermon was boring. And during the worship, I talked to God. One of the guys playing a musical instrument had a t-shirt on with a logo something like this. I thought that kind of summed up how I feel as a Christian right now. Falling. To cut a long story short, a passage from the bible came to mind “The eternal God is your refuge and underneath are the everlasting arms” and I remembered I’m not falling anywhere. I’m being held. It was a warm, cozy, secure few minutes. I remembered that I don’t hold it all together. I forget that sometimes. I start thinking that my own good behaviour, reading the bible and praying in some way protects me. And makes me a better Christian. And more of a worthwhile person. Which it doesn’t at all. Not saying it’s great or anything that I’m too knackered to care. It’s just not a life or death issue. In the big scheme of things, it’s really quite a minor problem that I’m sure will get sorted out in good time.

The sermon wasn’t boring by the way. In fact it was very very interesting. And freeing. And kind of fitted with my experience during the worship.

I am this very moment going to do a small amount of exercise followed by a bath or shower followed by a short television programme followed by bed. I have five shifts over the next seven days, each 12 and a half hours long. 5.30am alarm. 7am start. 7.30pm finish. 8pm home. 10pm bed. It’s gonna flippin kill me. Really it is. But in ten days time I have 4 days off in a row. Me and Emma and Leah are going to Bo Peep for the weekend. We’ve been before. In fact, we’ve been twice. I can’t wait.

I also blogged here today.

I’ve learned something new about myself today. When I seriously deprive myself of sleep, then have one half-decent night’s kip, I am gonna feel HIDEOUS as the day goes on. Oh well. Self-awareness is always worth the effort!

Something else that’s good is ASBO. And today it’s especially good. Not only is it a competition, always fun if you’re into that kind of thing, but it’s an opportunity, nay an invitation, to RANT! And it’s specific: Church. What gets your goat about christians when you stick us together in groups? How cool is that? I’ve been and had my say (not saying I won’t go back and have another little vent later) and my load feels somewhat lighter.

I went to church this morning and there were a few conversations about Todd Bentley.  It looks like God’s might be doing something there. But, ever the cynic, I asked if there was any evidence. If someone dies and then gets raised from dead, I always wonder, was there a death certificate? If someone’s broken arm gets mended, can anyone verify that it was actually broken? Actually, I’m not a cynic. I just think about things. The person I was talking to, lovely as she is, looked at me as though I’d just broken wind (I may well have done actually, my tummy’s not right today, but that’s besides the point)! She clearly felt a little offended. These situations often leave me with a mix of thoughts and emotions. I wonder if people sometimes value these signs and wonders over arguably more important expressions of Christianity like people being nice to each other (yes I know that’s a little oversimplistic). And I often feel a bit of an imposter, slightly defective as a Christian.

Anyway, ASBO’s little rant sesh, to coin a phrase, ’killed two birds with one stone’. I got to rant about said incident and I don’t feel like so much like an imposter anymore! They’ve all got bees in their bonnet over there. I like it. I feel normal. Thank you ASBO/Jon.

I love the Psalms of David. I made up a psalm of my own…..

It’s been a rough old couple of weeks. Some highs. Quite a few lows.

To be honest, I’ve seen an awful lot of bitching and backbiting going on and a fair bit of bullying. I’ve been on the receiving end of some of the bullying. Thankfully (for me not them) nowhere near as much as some other people. No idea about the bitching (I wouldn’t be there to hear it) but I expect I’ve been on the receiving end of some of that too.

It’s soul-destroying  being bullied. The whole not being able to stand for yourself thing. And having to mask your emotions and natural responses. And then the self-conscious thing afterwards. Feeling like every clumsy move is being chalked up on your record.

And it’s hard watching other people get bullied and not being able to do anything about it. Being encouraged to join in the bitching about how badly other people are performing. I haven’t though.

Anyway, that’s been some of my week. Those experiences and this post on ASBO (well the comments about how David asks for the ruin of his enemies) inspired me to write a psalm of my own. A bit tongue-in-cheek. Mostly therapeutic. Strangely, it really did put things in perspective (not sure I would be saying that if I didn’t only have 6 shifts to go on my placement). And me and God shared a laugh!

I like this

More from the Naked Pastor here.

This is my prayer for 2008. Well, every year really. It’s a great song and I like this version The words are fantastic!

I’ve been in that crowd thinking what are the odds?!!

I love my home, Emma and the cats. I suppose the rabbit’s alright. I love God and that feels good. Church isn’t doing my head in as much as it sometimes does although I’m sure we’ll always have our issues. I hope so. There’s lots around me to be thankful for and lots to laugh at. I’m feeling surprisingly happy and peaceful at the moment.

Considering all the course work and the serious lack of pennies, this may well be a modern day miracle.

I had a really good weekend away - a spiritual retreat at Launde Abbey. A few ‘revelations’ from God. Not huge revelations but deep ones. I prefer that kind anyway, given the choice! A couple of things about me, a couple about God and a few about (general and specific) others. There was a realigning then cementing of a few bricks that have recently been forced into place by my good self in a rather unskilled manner.

It was good. Not just for the spiritual but for the physical and the social aswell. The food was good, the chocolate was really good. the cognac was great, the house was beautiful and the surroundings were amazing.

And I really love being with people. I love watching them, figuring out what makes them tick.  I like to discover the treasures inside a person - especially when they aren’t easy to spot at first glance. And I enjoy finding the cracks and the scars - especially when first impressions would lead you to believe there aren’t any. Look long enough and you’ll always find both. I find, personally, that when I’ve seen something of the treasures inside and identified a few cracks, the loving is easy. (Tried not to stare at people too much. I’ve found in the past that people generally just get the wrong idea It ain’t pretty!)

James, a very funny guy, told me about ASBO Jesus, the webiste the cartoon above has been copied from - I love it! It encompasses the doubts and confusion which are central to my, and many other Christians’, relationship with God but which a large proportion of the church scarily seem to have sussed! The one above makes me laugh because it Sooo reflects the basis of my faith I’ll be posting a few asbo cartoons in the nest few days.

Anyway, to more important things - advent calendar chocolate. Sadly beginning to feel excited about what shape it will be. And then back to work!

Today I did sunday school. It’s not called that but that’s what it is really. Blokey called Phil did the story (which I actually really appreciated - more in a mo) and I did the crafty bit. I got the kiddly winks to draw/colour the individual nativity characters - Mary, Joseph, Jesus, Gabriel, couple of shepherds, three wise men/kings, some sheep and a star. You get the picture. Then we cut them out, laminated them, cut them out again and stuck a bit of embroidery thread through. Hey presto, tree decorations. Leah did a set here last night. Pictures of the one’s she made are here. I was really pleased with how the idea worked out practically.

Anyway, back to what Phil was saying. He was talking about Jesus as the Good Shepherd. His perspective was new to me and helped me to understand Psalm 23 a bit better. I liked the psalm already but…well, now I like it more.

When he lived in Israel (he went to Bible College there), he was once taken on a guided tour of the desert by a young shepherd. He walked with said Shepherd up the mountains. He explained how he experienced first hand the ‘right path’ that David talks about. He described the narrow paths that wind round and round the mountains and, on either side of the path, were steep inclines, rocks and fragile ground. If you stepped off the path, you very quickly landed yourself in big trouble. It was sometimes a long way down. The shepherd walked at the back with the complete flock walking in single file ahead of him (the paths really were pretty narrow). He (shepherdy bloke) spoke often to reassure the sheep at the front that he was there. If a sheep put a foot off the path, he called out and they moved back to safety. If they ignored the shepherd, he got a stone and threw it so it landed close to the sheep that was heading for danger and shocked the sheep so he jumped out of the way of the stone, again, back to safety. The shepherd carried a rod (big stick) to beat off any wild animals that threatened his flock and he carried a staff (another big stick with a hook on the end) to catch wandering sheep and pull them back to safety. (i.e. having already ignored the Shepherd’s voice and probably the thud of a rock crashing down by it’s feet)!

Now, I don’t much fancy having stones lobbed past my earhole or being dragged anywhere with a hook around my neck - for my own safety or not - but it kind of put the whole thing into perspective. This guy was determined that every single one of them was going to be safe by any means that he could. I liked that. It brought the whole ‘Good Shepherd’ comparison with Jesus to life. The odd stone? Crook round my neck occasionally? That’s fine. Just keep on keeping me safe!

It all made me feel a bit warm and fuzzy and I kind of echo David’s words ‘Your rod and staff they comfort me’ in a way that maybe I didn’t before.

Don’t know if the kids got much out of it but hey ho; I did

This is Julius (pronounced Yulus) from Lithuania. The one and only place to get free coffee (or tea, fruit tea, hot choc, that kind of thing) is the spirituality and faith centre. I met Yulus (not for the first time) in there today. He made himself three cups of tea. Two with milk for instant drinkability and one without, this being the last cup thus having time to cool down a bit. He also had 4 chocolate chip muffins and I later saw him on campus eating a banana.

I also met Stuart, the Rev of the Methodist variety. And Edward, the Chinese chaplain, the Catholic Sister, whose name I can’t remember. And Adam. And Steve, an Engineering Lecturer. Stuart Facebooked me and is now a friend. Obviously, Jen, the top boss chaplain was there aswell

Today was communion, all very Anglican which I’m not used to but I enjoyed it. And it was good to sit and have coffee and a natter afterwards. It’s the only place in the Uni where it isn’t standing room only. It’s fab.

This afternoon and evening I have:

1) Had an appointment with Rosie, the mental health nurse at Cov Uni and found out I know her brother very well. Small world!

2) Bought a dress for £1.50 from the PDSA shop. I like it. Em said it was good on.

3) Had a telephone consultation with my GP. They’re so busy lately, they’ve taken to giving you a ring. Always nice to catch up.

4) Printed and laminated a timetable and bought 3 whiteboard pens so I can organise my time. I went to bed at 1.30am last night - a habit I can’t afford to get into. It really doesn’t do me much good to get overtired or to be awake when the rest of the world’s asleep and vice versa! I haven’t actually timetabled anything on it yet. But I will

5) Downloaded and printed the lectures and additional reading material for the rest of this week’s lectures.