All at Sea - with a bucket and spade!

I didn’t know she’d sussed me out so well

I shall be keeping it forever!

We had an interesting lesson today in what it must be like to hear voices. We were given these sheets of paper and asked to put ourselves into groups of three. One person sat in the middle and acted as the voice-hearer. The other two sat on either side and acted as the voices. I was a voice. We used the sheets. Only I made up my own things to say on the rationale that the voices usually pick on things that are personal to you. We just let rip for a couple of minutes.

I’ve done the exercise before so I probably didn’t learn anything new. And I’ve heard voices anyway - although to be fair they were pretty pleasant. But I do think the exercise is a good one. It certainly makes sense of some of the odd behaviours that people sometimes exhibit during psychotic episodes - furtive glances to the side, shaking the head, grinning and other facial expressions that seem out of context, taking ages to answer etc etc. No blooming wonder with all that going on in your little old brain! And no wonder people talk back or just tell them to “Shut up!”

It did make me laugh though when Lindsey handed me her sheet at the end. She rather does amuse me somewhat!

I’ve learned something new about myself today. When I seriously deprive myself of sleep, then have one half-decent night’s kip, I am gonna feel HIDEOUS as the day goes on. Oh well. Self-awareness is always worth the effort!

Something else that’s good is ASBO. And today it’s especially good. Not only is it a competition, always fun if you’re into that kind of thing, but it’s an opportunity, nay an invitation, to RANT! And it’s specific: Church. What gets your goat about christians when you stick us together in groups? How cool is that? I’ve been and had my say (not saying I won’t go back and have another little vent later) and my load feels somewhat lighter.

I went to church this morning and there were a few conversations about Todd Bentley.  It looks like God’s might be doing something there. But, ever the cynic, I asked if there was any evidence. If someone dies and then gets raised from dead, I always wonder, was there a death certificate? If someone’s broken arm gets mended, can anyone verify that it was actually broken? Actually, I’m not a cynic. I just think about things. The person I was talking to, lovely as she is, looked at me as though I’d just broken wind (I may well have done actually, my tummy’s not right today, but that’s besides the point)! She clearly felt a little offended. These situations often leave me with a mix of thoughts and emotions. I wonder if people sometimes value these signs and wonders over arguably more important expressions of Christianity like people being nice to each other (yes I know that’s a little oversimplistic). And I often feel a bit of an imposter, slightly defective as a Christian.

Anyway, ASBO’s little rant sesh, to coin a phrase, ’killed two birds with one stone’. I got to rant about said incident and I don’t feel like so much like an imposter anymore! They’ve all got bees in their bonnet over there. I like it. I feel normal. Thank you ASBO/Jon.

Half past ten, Emma says “I’m going to bed at eleven.” I say “Yeah, me too. I’m really tired.”

Five to eleven, Emma says “Right I’m off to bed.” I say “Yeah, me too. I think I’ll take the laptop up cos I just want to finish what I’m doing. It won’t take long.”

Eleven-ish. Emma says “Night then.” I say “Night then.” She goes off to bed. I climb into my bed, switch the laptop on, drink my hot chocolate, eat a few sweets and maybe a small square of lindt chocolate, reading online journal articles, typing in quotes from books. [see pic]

Quarter past two. Struggling to keep my eyes open, I think ‘must stop soon.’

Ten past four. Eyes keep closing of their own accord. I switch the laptop off and put it on the floor. Asleep within seconds.

Quarter past eight. I get up. Start reading again.

No wonder I was knackered!

(last night I went to bed at eleven on the dot and was asleep at 10 seconds past eleven - beginning to feel human again)

The last few days have been odd. In some ways a bit crappy, in other ways quite good.

When I was younger, I didn’t used to sleep very well (mostly mental health related). It wasn’t really a big problem. It was just part of how things were. I regularly slept for three, four, at most five hours a night. I could even go for a couple of nights without any sleep at all and there wasn’t really any impact. I think I used to run on nervous energy a lot of the time.

That was all a very long time ago. For the last few years, I’ve been a pretty good sleeper. Seven, eight hours a night most of the time. I’ve gradually evolved into a ‘head hits the pillow and I’m out’ type person. It’s nice. I like it.

The thing is, I’ve had a lot to do the last week so I’ve had a few “late night-early morning” type things going on. And it’s really had an impact. I’m knackered! My body is struggling a little but not too much. It’s my emotions. I’m more sensitive, more stressy, more easily annoyed and I think probably slightly more needy of friendship and reassurance. Whether it’s just because I’m more ‘normal’ nowadays (whatever that’s supposed to mean) or whether it’s the effect of aging on the body’s ability to compensate for these things, I really don’t know. But what I do know is, I’m going to get some good sleep tonight and be pretty strict with myself no matter how much work [I think/decide] I have to get done.

Despite the stresses and strains of being overtired (and a couple of fairly minor situations that have felt bigger as a result), I’ve been very aware of how lucky I am. I use the word lucky because I can’t be bothered to think of another one, not because I think that luck is entirely responsible for the way my life’s turned out. I don’t. I think I’ve played a big part in it all. I think God’s played a big part. And I think my friends and some of my family have played a big part. And there’s probably an element of chance in their too.

Little things that have happened this week have made me realise I’m loved. And probably because I’ve needed to know it, it’s kind of hit me at a deeper level. Little things people have said, done, texted, emailed, facebooked etc have been heartwarming. And I’ve appreciated it perhaps a bit more than I ordinarily would.

Anyway, I’m grateful. Very. So if you’re one of the people who’s been nice to me this week, thanks xxx

The picture above is a little wooden ‘ornament’ I picked up from a charity shop about ten years ago (blimey that makes me sound old). It cost next to nothing but it’s really special to me. I remember when it caught my eye. It really spoke to me (not in a psychotic way you understand)! I interpreted it in two ways. The first is that I am the bigger sheep and also the smaller [black] sheep. Sometimes I feel more connected to, and aware of, one and sometimes the other. But God always sees both and accepts me anyway. The second is that I am the black sheep and the bigger sheep is God. Anyway, it’s very special to me. I hope I never lose it. I might cry.

If anybody’s sytill reading, sorry this is so long and a bit deep. Like I said, I’m really really tired. The good news is Dr Who’s on in five. I enjoy the company of both Emma and Dr Who. And David Tennant always lifts my mood (in a phwoar type way)!

As you can see I worked on my assignment all day long.

I didn’t walk round the house taking random photographs of things I own. That would be a very silly thing to do when you’re half way through a module and haven’t started on the assignment. Especially if you spent about four hours doing it. That would just be idiotic.

I made a card using some scrapbooking papers, adhesive ribbons and other stuff. And wrapped the little prezzie in matching paper and ribbon

We went to Weatherspoons. I had steak. It was rather lovely.

Below: Laura, aka the birthday girl. Emma Special and Claire.

Below: Lindsey with scary hair. Actually I like it! And red wine. We shan’t be seeing each other for a while

It was very nice putting posh clothes on and being all civilised with each other. For a little while anyway. As opposed to being rowdy and acting like children at Uni day after day. No. Really. You’d be surprised…

I really like this hat. Emma put it on Libby. She looks funny and cute. She appears to be wearing one glove aswell