The last few days have been odd. In some ways a bit crappy, in other ways quite good.
When I was younger, I didn’t used to sleep very well (mostly mental health related). It wasn’t really a big problem. It was just part of how things were. I regularly slept for three, four, at most five hours a night. I could even go for a couple of nights without any sleep at all and there wasn’t really any impact. I think I used to run on nervous energy a lot of the time.
That was all a very long time ago. For the last few years, I’ve been a pretty good sleeper. Seven, eight hours a night most of the time. I’ve gradually evolved into a ‘head hits the pillow and I’m out’ type person. It’s nice. I like it.
The thing is, I’ve had a lot to do the last week so I’ve had a few “late night-early morning” type things going on. And it’s really had an impact. I’m knackered! My body is struggling a little but not too much. It’s my emotions. I’m more sensitive, more stressy, more easily annoyed and I think probably slightly more needy of friendship and reassurance. Whether it’s just because I’m more ‘normal’ nowadays (whatever that’s supposed to mean) or whether it’s the effect of aging on the body’s ability to compensate for these things, I really don’t know. But what I do know is, I’m going to get some good sleep tonight and be pretty strict with myself no matter how much work [I think/decide] I have to get done.
Despite the stresses and strains of being overtired (and a couple of fairly minor situations that have felt bigger as a result), I’ve been very aware of how lucky I am. I use the word lucky because I can’t be bothered to think of another one, not because I think that luck is entirely responsible for the way my life’s turned out. I don’t. I think I’ve played a big part in it all. I think God’s played a big part. And I think my friends and some of my family have played a big part. And there’s probably an element of chance in their too.
Little things that have happened this week have made me realise I’m loved. And probably because I’ve needed to know it, it’s kind of hit me at a deeper level. Little things people have said, done, texted, emailed, facebooked etc have been heartwarming. And I’ve appreciated it perhaps a bit more than I ordinarily would.
Anyway, I’m grateful. Very. So if you’re one of the people who’s been nice to me this week, thanks xxx
The picture above is a little wooden ‘ornament’ I picked up from a charity shop about ten years ago (blimey that makes me sound old). It cost next to nothing but it’s really special to me. I remember when it caught my eye. It really spoke to me (not in a psychotic way you understand)! I interpreted it in two ways. The first is that I am the bigger sheep and also the smaller [black] sheep. Sometimes I feel more connected to, and aware of, one and sometimes the other. But God always sees both and accepts me anyway. The second is that I am the black sheep and the bigger sheep is God. Anyway, it’s very special to me. I hope I never lose it. I might cry.
If anybody’s sytill reading, sorry this is so long and a bit deep. Like I said, I’m really really tired. The good news is Dr Who’s on in five. I enjoy the company of both Emma and Dr Who. And David Tennant always lifts my mood (in a phwoar type way)!
