Happy Monday

I was going to blog earlier but… 

I mean, would you mess with the Moses?!!!

Anyway he eventually let me have my turn!

I’ve been sorting out photos on flickr. It’s a strange experience going through photos from before I was born right through to the present. It makes you realise who and what still bothers you from your past. And what you’ve resolved and moved on from.

Every now and again I’ve come to a photo and my stomach’s leapt or my hearts raced or my eyes have filled up or my legs have gone to jelly. Sometimes with excitement. Sometimes sadness. Anger. Humour. Shame. Happiness. Fear. Love. Loneliness. Pride. Rejection. Bit of a rollercoaster really. I guess it’s also highlighted a few things I haven’t quite resolved yet aswell. Photo therapy. Cheaper at half the price!

I came across this photo from about four years ago. Made me smile

Okay. Two things from today.

1) Em took Peanut to the Vet and made her feel like a bad owner for not taking him sooner. That made me cross! Apparently his leg is fractured after all. She was given wrong information last time by somebody else at the practice. They said it was a soft tissue injury which would gradually get better and to bring him back “in a week or so” to be checked over. Poor thing’s been limping about on it for nearly two weeks. She has to take him back tomorrow for the xrays to be completely redone. We’ll see. Poor Peanut. I hate thinking he’s been in more pain than we realised.

2) Venlafaxine withdrawal is going good. Last Wednesday I cut down from 150mg to 112.5mg. On Thursday I felt odd all morning. Spaced and like I wasn’t in my skin. It wasn’t awful but I did feel self conscious at work. I didn’t know if it was obvious that I wasn’t really with it. On Friday I had a milder version but only for about an hour. Saturday, Sunday and today (Monday) – Nothing! All good

Pizza Hut

Pizza Hut is fast becoming my favourite place in the whole wide world! The pizza is great. The salad bar has loads to choose from. I love the starters although I have them as the meal. Refilled drinks. It’s light and airy. Kids don’t get bored. It’s brill!

Anyway me and Em went there last night with Ellie, Sarah, Shannon and Megan. To celebrate Ellie’s birthday earlier in the week.

Megan was being particularly sweet and lovely.

Her pudding was slightly scary. About two tubes of smarties sitting on a bed of ice cream which was floating in a sea of various sauces – bubblegum flavour, chocolate flavour, strawberry flavour and popcorn flavour! Yum yum! Her care bear was quite cute. I’m not sure which one it’s called but Emma says it’s ‘cheeralot’ or something like that anyway.

I’m doing Sunday School today. For once I’m perfectly prepared and have been since about 9 o’clock last night. I’m usually running around just before trying to think of anything I might’ve missed. It’s good because it means I can just go and enjoy the worship and relax. Will let you know how it went

Thought for the day…

Why do so many people think they are the Jesus/the Christ/God/the Son of God when they are psychotic?

Peanut Update

Poor Peanut still ain’t right. It’s all this lifting his left foot up and limping and the occasional yelp of pain. Not nice. Poor thing.

Can’t wait til he’s back to his usual playful jolly self, leaping about the house and singing, spreading his own little band of happiness

Yes!!!! (we have no bananas)

Michelle has been to Spain. She had a lovely time. She looks all refreshed and happy. And she has a pretty new skirt. She bought me a present. Now I’m happy too.

Ya see? It’s a monkey with cymbals. Ya press the trigger and the cymbals crash together. And the funny mouth opens. The bottom section comes off. It’s full of little banana sweets see?

Oh no! What happened to the lovely banana sweets? I think they got stolen.

(or maybe I eated them before I even got home from work)

Happy Birthday Ellie :-)

Emma asked me to make a card last night. For Ellie. So I did.

On a Lighter Note

What if all three of them are total fruitloops and you are too? Does that mean that another 12 people are safe?!!!

Under lock and key

This afternoon I visited somebody in the local mental health unit. I’ve been working with him since December, usually meeting once a week. This week he didn’t turn up. I spoke to his CPN (community psychiatric nurse) and he told me things had happened over the weekend and he’d been admitted under a section of the mental health act. I didn’t think I would be able to visit. Usually when somebody I’m working with gets pretty ill, visiting is fine. But on the locked ward? Often another story.

He’s locked up. They (the ward staff) surprised me and said I could visit anytime. I went at 3.30. I didn’t know what to expect. It always sounds like people have turned into some crazed psychopath from the conversations with the medical staff. But he was fine. In that respect anyway. Unfortunately for him, that’s about the only respect he was fine in.

A bit of background without breaking any confidences or revealing identifying details. This guy had a rough time since birth. At home. At school. People hurt him. People left him. Because everybody around him was fragile, he didn’t deal with anything. He didn’t even realise these things had affected him at all. The damage eventually revealed itself in certain behaviours, thoughts and feelings that he hated but couldn’t control. Self harm. More self harm. And so on.

Missing a big chunk out because I have to, he’s been in intensive group therapy since February. In the last month, he’s slowly started to link cause and affect. This has quite literally devastated him. He’s having to accept that his family are not perfect and a few of them should be shot! Ok, maybe not shot. But I’m sure you get the point.

Last week he had a particularly difficult time in his therapy group. It revolved around him. I saw him the next day. He was in a state. Normally he smiles and tries to look upbeat whatever. He just looked sad. And he was quiet.

I’m still not sure quite what happened two days later to get him on a locked ward. But I do know sometimes it doesn’t have to be a lot.

So to the present. He’s in this locked ward. Grieving all sorts of things for the first time. The ward staff have advised his family not to come often. Because he doesn’t relate well, they want him to have to mix with the others on the ward. I get that. But I just think what a naff time to lose your home, your freedom, the people you normally mix with, and so on.

He sobbed and shook for ages, trying to get words out. In the end all he managed to say was ‘I do miss my mum’ before he wept again. He hasn’t seen her since he was a toddler. He’s always been adamant that he wasn’t really impacted by her sudden departure from his little world. I was strangely excited by his crying. I felt guilty about that because I knew he was in despair. But I know there’s hope in shed tears and feeling the pain and sharing it. Somehow it does bring about resolution in the end.

I’m really glad I went. But I am left with this yukky feeling that somebody I care about is suffering. And I want to fix it.

Quick Lunch-break Blog

 

Went to the doc and got a bucketload of 37.5mg venlafaxine tablets! And I have a pre-calculated dosage plan.

To explain (because I’m sure you’re really desperate to understand my chart) I’ve got the day, then the date, then the dosage, then the number of pills and finally how they will be split between morning and night. Talk about anally retentive!

By my reckoning, starting today at 112.5mg (37.5mg reduction), I should take my very last 18.5mg (1/2 pill) on 12th June 2007! Yippee Doo

Bye Bye Venlafaxine

Well hopefully by tonight I will take a lower dose of venlafaxine. I’ve slipped into withdrawal so many times lately that I’m really looking forward to coming off it. I’m bracing myself for some nasty side effects while reducing the dosage. If I get them, I’m prepared. If not, great!

The most common reaction is people feeling like they’re getting the flu. Headache, shivers, nausea, aching joints, exhaustion, insomnia, nervousness, irritability. The list goes on.

Pretty common are hallucinations, vivid dreams, visual disturbances. That kind of thing.

If you’re really lucky, you can get brain shivers too. Read this. It’s easier than explaining.

When I first went on them, I got all of the above. But they almost instantly made me feel better. I’m sure they didn’t work on the depression instantly but they definately shifted the focus! I felt like I was walking around in a wierd bubble. People’s voices sounded distant and echo-y. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I had tremers. I felt constantly seasick. I couldn’t make my mouth work properly and my eyes felt really wide – like saucers. Really, I can’t explain how all-encompassing the side-effects were. But I felt this wierd nothingness that was SO much better than the fear and doom I’d lived with for a few months! And the side effects were gone in about three weeks. The stuff I read said a week but it was definately three.

If I miss a dose nowadays the same symptoms kick in again. It’s okay if I realise but if I don’t, I start wondering what’s why I feel so bad. Is it a cold? Is it hormones? Am I starting a process of dealing with something from the past? Is it a spiritual thing? Then I realise that all that thinking was pointless! I just need to take a pill.

In some ways I’m glad I had such a bad introduction to the medication and I’m glad it lasted so long. I’m glad aswell that I do slip into withdrawal sometimes. It’s a constant reminder that these are powerful chemicals I’m pumping into me every day. And it means I know I can deal with whatever coming off the medication brings. I’m not particularly worried. But I am prepared